Man: I offer you myself.
Woman: I am sorry I never accept cheap gifts.

Man: I want to share everything with you.
Woman: Let's start from your bank account.
Submitted by kara dolson

Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.
Submitted by Fred G. Stone

Customer: Excuse me, but I saw your thumb in my soup when you were carrying it.
Waitress: Oh, that's okay. The soup isn't hot.
Submitted by Jim Sperling

The real estate agent says, "I have a good, cheap apartment for you."
The man replys, "By the week or by the month?"
The agent answers, "By the garbage dump.."

Bank Teller: How do you like the money?
English Student: I like it very much.
Submitted by Safnil (Bengkulu University Indonesia)

"Why do you take baths in milk?"
"I can't find a cow tall enough for a shower."

Customer in a restaurant: I would like to have a plate of rice and a piece of fried chicken and a cup of coffee
Waitress : Is it enough Sir?
Customer : What? Do you think I can't buy more?
Submitted by Safnil (Bengkulu University Indonesia)

"You look very funny wearing that belt."
"I would look even funnier if I didn't wear it."

"I was born in California."
"Which part?"
"All of me."

"Excuse me. Do you know the way to the zoo?"
"No, I'm sorry I don't."
"Well, it's two blocks this way, then one block to the left."

Teacher: Do you have trouble making decisions?
Student: Well...yes and no.

Three mice are being chased by a cat. The mice were cornered when one of the mice turned around and barked, "Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!" The surprised cat ran away scared. Later when the mice told their mother what happened, she smiled and said, "You see, it pays to be bilingual!"
Submitted by Jeanne Ramirez


Once there were three turtles. One day they decided to go on a picnic. When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda. The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn't eat the sandwiches until he got back. A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the two turtles said,"oh, come on, let's eat the sandwiches." Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said, "If you do, I won't go!"
Submitted by Abu Abdulaziz (Kuwait)

The teacher to a student: Conjugate the verb "to walk" in simple present.
The student: I walk. You walk ....
The teacher intruptes him: Quicker please.
The student: I run. You run ...
Submitted by: Mouhssin

Father: What did you do today to help your mother?
Son: I dried the dishes
Daughter: And I helped pick up the pieces.
Submitted by Fred G. Stone

A: Look at your face I know what you had for breakfast
B: What was it?
A: Eggs.
B: No, that was yesterday.
Submitted by: Janekt Ho

A: Why are all those people running?
B: They are running a race to get a cup.
A: Who will get the cup?
B: The person who wins.
A: Then why are all the others running?
Submitted by: Girish Chavan

Patient: Doctor, I think that I've bitten by a vampire.
Doctor: Drink this glass of water.
Patient: Will it make me better?
Doctor: No, I but I'll be able to see if your neck leaks.
Submitted by: Rizwana Lahore Pakistan

Said to a railroad engineer:
What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.

The reply from the railroad engineer:
How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule?
Submitted by Kyle Jefferson

A: When I stand on my head the blood rushes to my head, but when I stand on my feet the blood doesn't rush to my feet. Why is this?

B: It's because your feet aren't empty.
Submitted by Kyle Jefferson

Teacher: Did you father help your with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.

Teacher: What are some products of the West Indies?
Student: I don't know.
Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get sugar from?
Student: We borrow it from our neighbor.

On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed.

"What's the matter? Are you sick?" he asked.

"No, I'm okay. It's just that I hate to see old ladies standing."

If big elephants have big trunks, do small elephants have suitcases?
Submitted by lisbeth

A: Do you want to hear a dirty joke?
B: Ok
A: A white horse fell in the mud.
Submitted by Robert Kenneth Peter Kroeker - age 21

A nervous old lady on a bus was made even more nervous by the fact that the driver periodically took his arm out of the window. When she couldn't stand it any longer, she tapped him on the shoulder and whispered on his ear: "Young man...you keep both hands on the wheel...I'll tell you when it's raining!" :)
Submitted by Joan M. Diez Cliville

I used to be a werewoolf...
But I'm much better noooooooooooow !
Submitted by Eric Vadot

"Spell SPOT three times."
"S P O T , S P O T , S P O T"
"What do you do when you come to a green light?"
(answer is invariably-) "Stop!"
"What, at a GREEN light?"
Submitted by Karen

There is a California dude going through a desert. He's wearing shorts, sunglasses, a towel and listening to music on his walkman. He's having a good time. Suddenly he sees a caravan approaching. He stops the Arabs and ask them cheerfully: "Hey dudes how far is the sea?" They look at each other and say: "Two thousand miles!" And he says: "Wow what a cool beach!!!"
Submitted by Robert Stadnik

In a restaurant:

Customer: Waiter, waiter! There is a frog in my soup!!!
Waiter: Sorry, sir. The fly is on vacation.
Submitted by Daniel Fernando Rodrigues

One teacher said this to his students before the final test.
"A" is for God.
"B" is for me and my wife.
"C" is for the perfect student.
"D & F" are for all other students.
Submitted by Abu Abdulaziz (Kuwait)

Man said to God --- Why did you make women so beautiful?
God said to man --- So that you will love them.
Man said to God --- But why did you make them so dumb?
God said to man --- So that they will love you.
Submitted by Esmond Jones.

This is a humorous "fake" news items which many adult ESL/EFL students may understand.

REDMOND, WA (API) --- MICROSOFT (MSFT) announced today that
the official release date for the new operating system
"Windows 2000" will be delayed until the second quarter of
1901.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you so much! (I love you so much..)
Submitted by Barbara S.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?
Submitted by Pat Bacon

(For advanced learners... and teachers?)
Early one morning, one of the gods was galloping around Mount Olympus. Invigorated by the brisk breeze, he shouted euphorically, "I'm Thor!"
His stallion looked back at him and reminded him, "That'th becauthe you forgot the thaddle, thilly!"
Submitted by Walter F. Lockhart

Did you hear about the skeleton who walked into a cafe?
He ordered a cup of coffee and a mop.
Submitted by C. Keyes

1. Did you hear about the blind carpenter who picked up his hammer and saw?
2. Did you hear about the deaf shepherd who gathered his flock and heard?
Submitted by Leah Davis

You can use this joke to explain that insulting someone is considered funny especially when that person is fishing for a compliment.

Mary: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do you think, Peter?
Peter: I think you're pretty ugly.
Submitted by George L. Washington

My boss is so unpopular even his own shadow refuses to follow him.
Submitted by Jozef Karpat

"Do you know what really amazes me about you?"
"No.What?"
"Oops.Sorry. I was thinking about someone else!"
Submitted by The Clar (South Korea)

Why do we park our car in the driveway and drive our car on the parkway?
Submitted by Rex Karz in Seattle

If tin whistles are made of tin, what are fog horns made of?
Submitted by r.d.

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
Submitted by Shahirah
Comment Probably too difficult for most ESL students.

A person who speaks two languages is bilingual...A person who speaks three languages is trilingual...A person who speaks four or more languages is multilingual.
What is a person who speaks one language?
An American.
Submitted by H. Terrell

A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."

Submitted by Anonymous

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the....
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

Submitted by: Monirul Hassan

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
Submitted by: Submitted by: Tshifhiwa Rambau

Two cows are standing in a field.
One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"
Submitted by: Michael Trew Man: How can you tell if a man is happy?
Woman : Who cares?!
(Use as an example of a sexist joke.)
Submitted by Tomoyuki Noda from Japan